I hate birthdays. Well mine anyway. And Mothersday and Christmas. I guess that will last until we actually have kids. So, what happened this past year? Baby wise: One non-event DE IVF cycle that I didn't get to participate in last year November when none of the eggs from the donor fertilised. One chemical pregnancy at the end of April this year and one negative cycle at the end of July. Hours and stacks of money spent on psychological counselling that I still hope will actually make a difference Read more [...]
Okay, so I'm not quite back from hell yet, but I'm on my way. What a hectically difficult and emotional month September was! In my previous post I said about the regression therapy, "What if we discover something weird from my past that I have suppressed?". So that happened. And now it's to heal and figure out how to deal with that information. The regression therapy has been interesting, devastating, hellish, hectic and bloody hard work. At this stage all I am thinking is that it had better be Read more [...]
So, at our follow up appointment Dr V suggested that I go see a clinical psychologist for regression therapy because they believe that I 'have an underlying emotional issue that prevents me from conceiving'. Translated this could mean 'we have run out of ideas of why you are not falling pregnant and really don't know what else to suggest'. But, I do know that I have some 'issues' (mostly related, I think, to self hatred and low self esteem) and I'm willing to try anything at this stage. Maybe Read more [...]
We've been thinking of our alternative options a lot recently. I think AB needed something to keep himself occupied with after our negative result so he started exploring our options and I told him that can be his project - getting info on surrogacy and adoption. So, let's look at my thoughts and feelings on these and then I'll tell you what our plan of action is for now. Surrogacy: In short, this is a 'no go' for me. I am already in a fragile state of mind. I want to be pregnant and I so Read more [...]
Hi Lurkers. How's life? What a long and emotionally exhausting week this has been. I kept thinking my emotions feel 'fried' and then I remembered the term Tertia used on her blog. It was 'raw' and I realised that is exactly how I am feeling. My emotions feel raw. Like that rawness of your skin when you get really sunburnt or you fall off your bike and scrape your knees. I feel utterly shattered. I want to crawl into my bed, put the duvet over my head and stay there for a month. How do I turn off Read more [...]
Are You torturing me? Is this fun for You? I honestly don't know what to think. My brother messaged out of the blue today asking if he can drop by for a beer as he'll be in the area, which is very unusual as he's never 'in the area' unless he's actually coming to our house. I didn't think much of it at first, but started getting my suspicions about 15 minutes before he arrived. While we were making small talk I wanted to ease his obvious nervousness a few times by asking him 'How far along is Read more [...]
Fuck you! I do not want you back here ever again. Yet again you got me excited, thinking this time it's going to work. This time we will be successful. How many times can we do this? How many times can we put ourselves through this rollercoaster ride only to be completely crushed again by the end of it? Will it ever work? Will I ever be a mommy? Will my beautiful husband ever get the chance of being the awesome father that I know he will be? Should we just make peace with the fact that parenthood Read more [...]
I am feeling a little less confident today. I am just really, really terrified of tomorrow's result. Only about another 24 hours to go now. There's nothing we can do but wait. Wait and hope. This is why they call it a rollercoaster. I have gone from being in a very good mood yesterday and very positive to just feeling incredibly nervous and scared today. All I can do is breathe through it and try to get some work done to pass the time. I am meeting my lovely friend TS for one of our awesome Read more [...]
Dammit Hope! What are you trying to do to me?! Fear and Doubt have left and you have come to make yourself at home. They still send me the occasional message, but I'm not talking to them at the moment. Would you like some more tea? It doesn't look like I'm going to get any work done while you're here anyway. I am so flipping terrified to admit this, but here goes. I'm going to say this. I have a very good feeling about this cycle. Am I crazy? Am I setting myself up for devastating heartache again? Read more [...]
Phew! Only 6 days to go until we do the blood test. And this day is already heading towards the end. I can't believe the past 10 days have gone by so fast. I've been doing quite well I think. I haven't gone crazy yet. The nerves really started to kick in yesterday though. I am absolutely convinced that this has worked and I am pregnant. At the same time I am convinced that nothing will ever work and we will never have kids. This is how my days go constantly. Up and down. Optimistic one moment Read more [...]